


When Half the Universe Vanished

by Lotussan



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Slice of Life, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-02-16 05:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18684766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotussan/pseuds/Lotussan
Summary: When Thanos snapped his fingers and erased half of all life in the universe, the consequences of his actions were somewhat glossed over. How did normal people adapt to their new lives? How did the world continue to function? How do you manage to continue moving forward in a world where everyone you've ever known is dead?This is the story of one such person.





	1. Loss

Where were you when half the universe vanished?

That’s a question I’ve been asked a dozen times by a variety of therapists, teachers, and curious classmates. Things felt so mundane and simplistic when it happened that for most they simply couldn’t believe it. In an instant half the world around you turned into dust. People were having conversations, doing the dishes, or getting ready for bed. If you didn’t live in New York or Wakanda you had no reason to believe the day was going to be anything but average. 

For me the day was a bit more exciting, but I rarely tell people what was actually happening. I was twelve, it was a Thursday. I tell people I was just in school eating lunch with my friends. It’s a helpful lie, one that stops most from asking further questions. They couldn’t imagine the trauma of watching so many classmates vanish before your eyes. Neither could I, funny enough, but watching my mom disappear is probably fair competition. 

She and my dad had been in the living room, enjoying some paid time off from work they both had been saving up. The TV was playing a show, I can’t remember what it was anymore. Judge Judy, maybe? It’s hard to recall exactly what. I was supposed to be upstairs resting in my room, trying to recover from a sickness. I didn’t have a fever, but I was nauseous and felt like throwing up since I’d woken up. I knew why but my parents didn’t, so they let me stay home. I watched my older brother leave with my younger brother, the former dropping the latter off at elementary school before heading to high school. I didn’t realize at the time, but it was the last time I’d see either of them. 

My parents started that day with three sons, and my dad would end it with none. It was terrible timing on my part, but I had no idea what was about to happen. Who would? It was supposed to be a normal day.

I finally found the courage to do what needed to be done at around lunchtime. My nausea was still around but the sooner I got it over with the sooner I’d hopefully recover. With each step I took away from the safety of my bed the world felt more oppressive and terrifying, but I did my best to block out the terrifying worst case scenario. My parents were loving, but we were Texan. My mom’s family was extremely conservative, and my dad’s barely existed. If they didn’t accept me I’d have nothing, and it wasn’t like there were many places to go. My best friend offered me a place to stay but how long would her mother approve of that?

I had to hope for the best, the alternative was being forced to live life as a boy and I just couldn’t do that. It was so, so wrong to imagine that prospect, to grow up like my brother. I knew, had known for a year now, that I was supposed to be a girl. Ever since my school did a presentation on puberty and how the body changes I’d known that being male was so utterly _wrong_ for me. The very idea of it made my skin crawl, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being forced to grow up as one. 

As I made it to the living room my parents were still wandering around, making small talk. Mom was setting the table for lunch while dad was cleaning up around the living room. Mom saw me enter first, and it was obvious she knew something beyond the physical was wrong with me. It was like she had a sixth sense for noticing emotions on her children. 

“Luke, you alright? Still feeling shaky?” She spoke to me like I was one of her old students, offering a calm tone and a helping hand as soon as I said I needed it. I miss that voice, like everything about her. 

It took me a moment or two to come up with a reply. I know I was supposed to be somewhat prepared for this but hey, coming out is hard. I’ve done it enough times now to know that coming out to them was by far the most anxiety inducing thing in my life. “Yeah, I’m fine mom. When you and dad get a minute, can I talk to y’all? It’s kind of important.” I had hesitated, was delaying our inevitable talk, but I needed every spare moment just to breathe. It felt like my heart was being crushed beneath a massive weight. 

The feeling only got worse as my mom pulled my dad and I into the dining room. Plates were already set up with some bread, a variety of meats, cheeses, and other toppings. The reminder that food existed made my stomach growl, but I had to ignore it. If I ate now I knew my anxiety would just force it back out of me. 

It quickly became obvious that they were waiting for me to say or do something, but nothing would come out of my mouth. I was incapable of speaking, of telling them what I so desperately needed to. What if they didn’t accept me? What if I lost them both forever to this? What if they told everyone they knew, and even Sara’s mom refused to house me?

I was broken out of my panic by my mom calmly addressing my dad. “Hon, how’s your sister doing?” It was a simple question, one that reminded me of the aunt I only met once. I’d forgotten her name at the time, but who she was became imprinted on my mind with my dad’s next words.

“Oh she’s alright, her girlfriend’s parents love her. They might come down over the summer. I hope they do, at least. Haven’t seen her since, what was it, Christmas of ‘16? And I think only Tommy ever met her when he was three, so it’ll be nice if she gets to actually meet the kids.” I knew, from the moment the words left his mouth, that they knew I was coming out to them. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out, and the way dad talked about her seemed almost forced. Regardless, their attempt at showing me they’d love me regardless had worked. My anxiety dropped tremendously, and I felt like I could breathe again.

Still, it took time for the words to actually leave my mouth. They awkwardly ate in silence as I tried to come up with exactly what to say, and before I knew it they were both putting away their plates. “I… I don’t think I was supposed to be a boy.” Those were the words I finally said, with tears forming in my eyes. In that moment everything I’d been feeling intensified, growing more massive with each passing moment in silence. Did they hate me? Would they throw me out? Force me to keep this quiet from Tommy and Alex?

Once again, my mom broke me out of my panic. I felt her arms around me and all of my fear seemed to instantly vanish. As I hugged her back I realized she was shaking, and then I felt my dad’s arms around us too. “We’ll always love you, please know that. This doesn’t change anything.” Mom whispered to me those words, and an instant later I couldn’t feel her touch anymore. She was gone, in the blink of an eye there was nothing but a pile of ash where she should have been. 

I started hyperventilating as I tried understanding what was happening. I heard my dad shouting “Karen!” In the background, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything. At the time all I could do was wonder if I had somehow caused this, if it was my fault she was gone. My dad threw open the front door and ran outside for a moment, before I felt his hand on my shoulder. His eyes were full of terror, like he was terrified if he lost track of me for a second I’d vanish too. 

We went back outside a minute later, and it seemed like half the neighborhood was doing something. An older gentleman who Tommy mowed the lawn for was running around in a panic. A five year old down the street was calling for her mommy. Our little suburban paradise was terrified of something. I didn’t understand, what was happening? My dad ran up and down the street, calming people down and getting information, while I just stood in complete shock.

After an hour, when the initial panic subsided, news broadcasts were being made alongside an official statement from the Avengers. They had failed, and it was likely the half of all life in the universe just vanished. I kept dad with me, refusing to ever be outside of the same room as him. I was so terrified that he’d vanish too if I lost sight of him. Our panic only increased as we called my baby brother’s school. It took time for the administration office to pick up the phone, and when it did my father’s face seemed to drain of all color. My expression wasn’t helping things, as Tommy’s cell wasn’t being answered.

By the end of the day we knew for sure that it was just the two of us left. I don’t remember when I stopped crying, but at some point I think I just ran out of tears.

\-----

It took a week for things to calm down to a somewhat acceptable level. People were panicked, terrified of what could happen next, but for the most part the initial chaos had subsided. It still couldn’t be confirmed that half of all life on our planet had been killed, but even the most conservative estimates were that at least 40% of people were gone. That was just the beginning of the numbers, though. Tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of people had been killed in the following week. The riots, vehicular disasters, and mass suicides only added to the body count. 

Dad made sure the two of us stayed home most of the time. He helped spread out food across the neighborhood to make sure everyone on our street had supplies to last without having to risk the chaos of the city. He was one of the few to volunteer to enter the houses abandoned by the dead. It didn’t feel right to steal from them, but we didn’t have options. Our little corner of hell seemed to be doing better than most, thanks to him and a few others. 

However nightmarish this world had become, at least it seemed it brought us together. The older gentleman, who I now knew as a retired professor named Mr. Cross, volunteered to take care of the young girl whose mother vanished in the middle of the street, and she was ‘luckily’ the only orphan. We had nightly meetings to decide what to do while we waiting for the military to stop the chaos that still overtook so much of the city. Robberies were commonplace, most stores were broken into regularly if they were even open, and food supplies were not being restocked. We couldn’t restock what we had. Overall, most homes had enough to last two more weeks. It had to be enough.

I hadn’t forgotten about my coming out, but I didn’t bring it up to my dad. Things were too hectic, he couldn’t afford to waste time worrying about me. 

\-----

April ended a week later, and two days after that the military managed to set up food ration stations in the city. It was only few blocks away, so much of the neighborhood agreed to head that way at the same time. It was a combination of safety in numbers and wanting the military to know how many people lived where we were. 

Getting the rations took time, but it wasn’t like we didn’t have an abundance of it. Only emergency personnel were working, so people like my dad who handled home insurance were unnecessary at this time. The world didn’t need insurance right now, it needed doctors, mechanics, and soldiers. It would need teachers in the coming months, too. I didn’t know how the schools could recover, or even how many of my own friends were still alive. Sara didn’t answer the phone, but I didn’t want to assume the worst. She was my best friend, the only person I shared everything with. The idea of her being dead was agonizing to think about.

\-----

Things reached a point of almost normalcy after May ended. People were beginning to adjust to their new lives, and many had joined retraining programs to set them up to work more necessary jobs. Dad, for his part, was training to be a nurse. It made me feel completely useless, just like a kid unable to do anything, but I knew nothing that could help. I didn’t have any superpowers, I wasn’t even out of middle school. All I could do was keep the neighborhood clean so that people didn’t have to worry about it.

On the fourth of June, 2018, my dad came home from training a few hours early. He seemed to be in a hurry, and was pulling me into his truck without explanation. When I finally got in he hurriedly told me that my pediatrician was alive, and had called about a prior appointment. I didn’t get why he was in such a hurry, but I didn’t really argue. I left the neighborhood so rarely that some doctor’s visit felt like a relief. I knew it probably wasn’t healthy to dwell in a house filled with nothing but memories of the recently dead, but I couldn’t do anything else.

When we arrived at the doctor’s office things seemed eerily quiet, especially for a Monday. I asked dad if they were supposed to be closed, but he shook his head. Frustratingly he was still being vague. I still didn’t realize what he was doing, that he had remembered so clearly my fears. As the nurse pulled me out of the waiting room, weighed me, and measured me I still didn’t get it. 

However, when the doctor entered the room with a tired look on his face, my eyes widened. The first words that came out of his mouth were “Alright Miss Gilbrand, what can I do for you?” It was a simple question, but his easy way of referring to me as a girl made me think there was some mistake. Sure I hadn’t cut my hair in months, but he couldn’t be assuming just based on that. I didn’t want to, I loved hearing that, but I couldn’t lie to him.

As he noticed my confusion the man stuttered, and seemed almost ashamed. “I’m so sorry, I was told by your father that you might be transgender. I made an assumption about what you wanted, and I apologize.” 

“I just have never been called miss before. It was a nice surprise.” While my thoughts were still a jumble a quickly managed to give him a reply. I was absolutely not about to complain about being assumed to be a girl. It felt amazing.

“Well, alright. I don’t know if you know this, but our office was always quite experienced with your sort of issues. We just need to ask some quick questions and with your father’s permission I can approve you for a prescription. It isn’t hormones, of course, you’re a bit too young for that, but it will stop you from having to go through male puberty. Normally we require a therapist’s approval as well as parental approval, but considering the circumstances I believe we can ignore that rule.” 

I couldn’t even fathom a reply. I was just getting puberty blockers today? No therapist required? How could it have been so simple like that? My face was full of confusion, but as I realized how real this was it slowly turned into joy. I was going down the path of living a normal life, as me. Dad worried about me for all this time, and made sure to take care of me even after we lost everyone else. I could never thank him enough for all he’d done for me.


	2. Grief

One would imagine that with so many dead school would be cancelled for at least a year. Teachers would need to be replaced, and too many kids likely had fresh memories of watching friends vanish in front of them. It was probably terrifying to watch most of your class turn into dust in front of you. How many of them had to return home to even more family dead? How many also lost a parent, or potentially both of them? How did they even keep going?

I suppose my classmates would be answering that question themselves. Maybe - hopefully - we could all put on a brave face for the adults around us. I was already practicing my pretend smile, though it was made tremendously easier by the ‘surprise’ my dad kept hinting about as he drove me the few miles it was to my school. I had gotten lucky, if you could call surviving the end of the world luck. My middle school, which normally had a strict uniform policy which included short hair on boys, had waived all uniform requirements for the first year back to school. I wouldn’t have to cut my hair at all until I wanted to, and even then only to a length I choose.

As we arrived and exited the truck I was hit with a strong breeze, a chilly reminder that September was here and summer was over. Sure we’d get a few more sporadic days with high temperatures, but those were the last attempt by Texas to delay the inevitable winter. The low temperature wasn’t so bad, but I wasn’t looking forward to the shorter days. School hours were being increased to give parents more time to learn their new career skills, and to catch kids up on the months of missing work. This meant that we’d be in school from seven in the morning until six thirty at night. Once winter was around I wouldn’t expect to see the sun except on weekends. Not that it was even out now at only six in the morning.

The admissions office was flooded with people in spite of the early hours. Dozens of people, many with a kid or two, were talking in line as a swamped team of four workers were trying to get each person’s last minute issue solved. It felt odd that we were all getting these problems fixed on the day school was scheduled to start, but I didn’t think too much on it. Everyone was probably just too stressed to think properly. 

The line wasn’t exactly moving, and in that time I opted to focus on the other kids in the room. I hardly recognized many of them, I assumed most were moved up from the elementary school, but I knew two of them from my own classes. The first was a tall boy who I believe had once been on the school’s football ‘team’. His name was, I think, Luis. We never interacted beyond algebra the year prior, where we were in the same class, so I doubt he’d have remembered me. The other student was a girl I went to elementary school with, Cass. We also didn’t talk much, but she and Sara were good friends so-

My eyes widened and I immediately walked to Cass, both terrified of and in desperate need of an answer. Sara had never answered the phone once in the months since the mass disappearances, so I could never get an answer about her. As I approached Cass never lost her disinterested expression, even after she noticed me. 

“Can I help you?” She asked as her mom focused on a conversation with another parent nearby. Her tone was full of boredom, as if the entire situation was a waste of time.

“You’re Cass, yeah? Sara’s friend?” I asked, heading straight for the point. I didn’t like being near her, with those dim green eyes. It felt like she was barely even here, only in the school at all because she was required to be. I understood the feeling, but didn’t she care about being able to see her friends again?

Those same eyes widened for a moment, before quickly narrowing. “Why do you care? You her friend or something?” Did she not recognize me? We’d been classmates for years, and it wasn’t like I looked that different. My hair was a lot longer, and my outfit was a bit more gender neutral, but that was really it. 

I quickly answered her question after spending a moment thinking about it, it wasn’t important enough to dwell on. “Yes I’m her friend, you don’t remember me? It’s Luke. Have you heard from her?” I just wanted an answer, I needed to know if she was okay.

The dullness to her eyes returned in that moment as she shook her head. Her voice seemed to match, and in that moment I knew I didn’t want to know the answer. “Gone. Troy too. Their mom killed herself right after it happened.” Her voice broke as she finished answering, but I barely noticed.

She was gone. My best friend, my secret keeper, my first crush. I couldn’t stop shaking as I remembered everything we went through together. The life we had, the stories we shared, everything was gone just like that. Why? Why her? Why did we have to lose everyone closest to us? How was that _fair_? How was that _right_? I felt like throwing up, and I felt tears pour down my face. Why? Why couldn’t I have just gone too? Why was I still here when so many weren’t?

I felt someone’s arms around me, and for a moment was shaken out of my breakdown by Cass. She was shaking, her voice said she was barely holding herself together. “I’m sorry.” Was all she managed, and a moment later we were being pulled apart. I felt dad’s arm on my shoulder as he guided me back to his side, and I saw her mom bring her to the front desk. 

“It isn’t fair.” I felt my agony rapidly shift to bitterness as the dullness in Cass’ eyes reached mine. It was stupid, how this system of ‘saving the universe’ worked. All it did was hurt everyone, cause them to go through so much pain. And why did this seem to hurt more than losing mom, Tommy, and Alex? What was wrong with me that I felt more broken after losing my best friend than losing my entire family?

“I know, hon, I know. It isn’t going to get easier anytime soon, but we have to keep going. It’s what they would want.” Dad’s words did little to calm me down, but it was something, at least. I knew he was right, on some level, but I didn’t care yet. I was still getting over being stabbed in the heart again.  
That pain hardly faded by the time we reached the front of the line. Cass and Luis were long gone, as were most of the other families. Nobody else had even gotten in line behind us. It was nearly seven, class was going to begin soon, but dad was adamant that getting this situation fixed was more important. As the last person in front of us reached the desk I heard dad take a breath and turn to me, a question obviously about to leave his mouth. “So when do you want to switch at school? We can do it now, if you want, or we can wait. It’s up to you.” 

“I don’t know, I can just do that? The school doesn’t care?” I was temporarily pulled out of my self pity by dad’s question, and for a moment I was almost excited. I didn’t let myself feel that good, but I at least dwelled on his question as he answered me with a nod. “If it’s okay, I don’t want to keep pretending.”

“Of course.” Dad’s answer was nice and simple. He didn’t judge my choices one way or another. I couldn’t believe how lucky I got with him. It took a moment, but I realized that his little question knocked me out of my broken state. It still hurt beyond description to know that Sara was gone, but at least it was almost manageable, thanks to him. I really was lucky.

As the family in front of us moved on and the desk worker called us over I took a moment to look him over: He seemed exhausted, with obvious marks of stress all over his face. His short hair was a mess littered with grey, his face had marks of stubble popping up that he must have failed to shave. Worst of all were his brown eyes, which gave the impression that he was moments from collapse. How long could he push himself so far? How long could anyone keep going before it became too much to bear?

As I zoned back in from examined him it seemed I’d missed some important conversation between my father and him, as the two of us were being ushered down a hallway. After only a few yards of walking we were faced with the office of the assistant principal - now principal - Redgrave. A quick knock had us called into the room, and the scene before us was nothing short of chaos. 

Principal Redgrave’s desk was filled with dozens, if not hundreds, of papers spread all over the place. There seemed to be no effort to organize the desk whatsoever, and even if someone were to try I was certain they’d give up in minutes. If the desk wasn’t bad enough it seemed the rest of the room followed suit: Binders were all over the place, many still open with post-it notes acting as makeshift placeholders. Her calendar had the date set to August 29th, eight whole days ago. 

The woman herself didn’t look any better, either. If the secretary at the front desk seemed about to collapse Redgrave looked held up by nothing more than marionette strings. She was probably awake solely due to the effect of coffee or energy drinks, and judging by how the office looked it seemed she wouldn’t be escaping for a nap anytime soon. 

As we approached she cleared a few binders from each of our chairs, and quickly muttered an apology for the mess. She began flipping through a handful of papers near her, before stopping at what was presumably a sheet with information about me on it. Several times she looked from the paper to me, and at one point she jotted down something illegible on a post-it and stuck it on my paper. 

After over two minutes of awkward silence as she worked through the same note, my dad cleared his throat. She seemed to be shaken out of some daydream for a moment, before turning to us. “Sorry, sorry. Forgot you were here. I guess this is about the transgendering thing, or whatever?” She seemed almost dismissive as she spoke, like there were a billion better things she could do with her time. While I didn’t think she was wrong, I was hoping for at least a more receptive audience. 

My father slowly nodded his head as she handed each of us a copy of the student handbook, with certain sections circled. “As you can see…” She began by pointing out a paragraph circled on the second page. “Male students must have their hair cut above their earlobes, eyebrows, and collar. This rule has been temporarily lifted in light of recent circumstances, but it will be in full effect at the beginning of January next year. If your-” She looked to me for a moment, before focusing back on my father “Child wishes to attend school after January, they will need get a haircut if they still wish to attend school as a male.”

I barely had time to dwell on her refusal to properly gender me when my dad stepped in. “My daughter will attend as she wants, but the only reason we’re in this room is because she informed me that she wants to be a girl here. This uniform rule is irrelevant.” When was the last time I told my dad I loved him? Not soon enough.

The principal sighed, before flipping over to what was apparently the next relevant passage. “Understood, however there are certain rules we need to cover. Only myself and Mr. Faust up front currently know the situation. I’ll need to inform most of the staff, which means them being transgendered will not be a secret, if it is now, for more than a few days. The second rule is that when sports start back your child can compete in no physical sports whatsoever, male or female. I’m not having that conversation with parents. Finally, is there a different name we need written down? Our system won’t be updated with new role information today, but it should be up to date tomorrow. I’ll have your daughter hand teachers a note explaining the situation and their name before each class. What new name do I need to input?”

I hesitated as her eyes turned to be, frozen with fear. My dad knew my name, but he was the only person I shared it with. Even our neighbors haven’t been told yet, though it was getting somewhat obvious since dad wasn’t exactly calling me his son anymore. How would another person - other people - react to my new name? As the clock’s hand moved ever forward, I realised both my dad and her were awkwardly waiting for me in silence. Finally, I let the answer leave my mouth. “My name is Lauren.” My voice was barely above a whisper, and I couldn’t meet her eyes. I was only distracted from my worry by my dad’s hand, once again firmly on my shoulder. 

“Hm, pretty name. Alright Lauren, I’ve got it jotted down. I’ll send an email to your teachers to update their roll sheets within an hour or so. Your first, though, will need to be updated manually.” She quickly started writing on a post-it, before stopping and pulling out what looked like a much more professional sheet of paper. Once complete, she handed it to my dad who quickly signed where prompted. “Now then, give this to your first quarter teacher when you enter their room. It doubles as a tardy pass, though I doubt she’ll care. I’d hurry, if I were you. Class starts in less than a minute, and your first class is on the other side of the building.” It seemed like she was rushing me, though I could barely move through the elation of hearing someone else call me by my name. It was an entirely new experience, and the rush of joy I felt was almost unbelievable. Was this what it would just be like now?

I quickly gave dad a hug as he stayed sitting across from the principal, and he waved off my momentary look of confusion. “I just have some more paperwork to sign. Enjoy school, Laurie.” I smiled at his nickname and headed off, the paper explaining everything in hand and my near-empty backpack on, well, my back. It didn’t take long to get there, the few kids left in the halls seemed in a hurry to get to class. I didn’t dawdle, and made it to class just two minutes late. 

The teacher barely seemed to recognize my presence, and as I handed her the paper I realized that I’d been taught by her before: She was the previous year’s drama instructor, the now Mrs. Gold. She looked completely different with her once long hair shaved off, and had a different last name, but it was her. She had the same warm eyes as always, even in spite of everything else. I suppose I wasn’t the only person who had some good news in this horrible world. 

After she read the note I was sent to sit in one of the many empty seats, and I opted to pick one with a full desk between each person. I didn’t really know anyone in the room, and there was no reason to give people a chance to recognize ‘Luke’. I didn’t even know I’d be allowed to be a girl today, or how badly I wanted to be seen as one here, so beyond my purple sweater and hair there wasn’t much about me that didn’t look male leaning. 

Our first class seemed to go by in a blur. Mrs. Gold barely acknowledged any of us beyond taking attendance, and did nothing but review things we learned last year. One boy began crying about two thirds of the way into the lesson, but some kids around him were able to calm him down. 

By the end of my second class I realized that the crying was something most people did. Three kids were bawling their eyes out halfway through a refresher course on the history of Texas, prompting the teacher to stop the lesson completely to give a talk about grief. 

“What happened was horrifying. We lost so, so much. Feel free to cry, to express how you feel, whenever you’d like in this class. Every faculty member here understands, we do it too. I lost my daughter, a beautiful baby of just two years old, and my wife. I’ve cried more for them than I ever have in my life. But for their sakes we need to keep going. Don’t forget them, please don’t forget them, but don’t ever give up. Honor the lost by moving forward. It’s the least we can do for them.” He seemed close to tears by the end himself, but it seemed he was holding it in long enough to finish talking. The kids, on the other hand, were crying left and right. Nearly everyone in the room was venting their grief, myself and a well dressed boy whose name I believe was Lucas were the only exceptions. That only made me feel ashamed, and I could barely glance further at anyone else.

After about ten minutes of silence the teacher, Mr. Penaku, began speaking again. “I was here when I got the call. Still making sure some of you were okay. I never saw what happened to them, or where they were. Found out I lost my mom the same day, and then my dad passed away in his sleep that night. A cousin I barely ever spoke to was the only other survivor in my family. Nobody has to, but would anyone like to share? Sometimes it can be better to vent out your grief.”

It took time before anyone took him up on that offer, but a dark haired girl - Julie, I think - began speaking after a few minutes of silence. “I was in the cafeteria with my sister, Jules. Julie. I was teasing her one minute, went to the bathroom, and then she…” She began crying again, the tears coming out in full force. I barely knew Julie, and I didn’t even know this girl’s name, but my heart hurt for her. 

Another girl seemed inspired by Julie’s sister, and began speaking up in response. “I was at the dentist, getting an expander - it’s this big thing used to move teeth, really hurts - when my dentist just disappeared. His nurse or something came in looking for him, and we found out that everyone in the building was gone. My dad, too. I never knew my mom, and didn’t have any brothers or sisters. I don’t… I’m all alone.” This girl wasn’t crying anymore, but it seemed like it was causing her pain to even let this out. 

When nobody else spoke up I opted to share my story, hoping that it might help someone else. It was hard, and I was visibly shaking as many sets of eyes focused on me, but I did my best to push through. “I… I was sick at home, my parents were both off of work. My mom got up and disappeared as she hugged me. I had two brothers, too. It’s just me and my dad left.” I heard my voice crack, and I felt the tears trying to push their way through my defenses, but I forced that feeling down. I couldn’t break now.

More students started to speak up, with Lucas as one of the only exceptions. I couldn’t stop myself from eventually crying, nor could Mr. Penaku. The lesson was stopped completely, and we collectively calmed down just as the bell releasing for lunch rang. 

With the way my first two classes were scheduled I didn’t exactly have time to focus on other students as I rushed across the building, but as I headed to lunch I began realizing just how oppressively empty everything felt. The halls, once overcrowded by students and obnoxiously loud, were now hollow and silent. People barely spoke on the way to lunch, and even as we all stood in line waiting for whatever the school wanted to provide hardly any words were shared between each other. 

The silence continued to dominate even after I was provided ‘food’ and found a place to sit. A good number of kids seemed to be by themselves, so I didn’t feel odd picking a little corner away from most others. My only real friend was dead, so it wasn’t like there would be anyone for me to talk to. 

It took roughly three minutes for that to change with a familiar presence making herself known. Cass stuck herself just across from me and began eating in silence. Once I finished she held up her hand to stop me from leaving, and took her time eating while I waited for whatever it was she wanted to say. 

As the finally finished scarfing down the last of her almost real mashed potatoes she looked me up and down. “So what was your name, again? Because a friend from first period was just so sure you had to be Luke’s cousin or something.” 

Ah. So that was this was about. “I was Luke until earlier this year. Now I’m Lauren.” I wanted to just give her a short and simple answer. I wanted to beg her to stay quiet about this, but I wasn’t exactly worried about other people’s reactions. Everyone was too focused on what we all lost to care about one girl who wasn’t always a girl. 

After several moments of silence she opened her mouth again, though I didn’t understand what she could still be curious about. “Did Sara know?”

“She was the first person I told.” My answer was quick and to the point, out of everything dwelling further on Sara was the last thing I wanted to do. The wound wasn’t going to heal itself anytime soon, so there was no point in irritating it.

“Same. I was going to tell her about my crush too but… You know.” I watched the tears start to form on her face and that was enough to push me over the edge. I hid my face in my arms and began sobbing as I thought of Sara once more. It still felt horrible and unfair that she was one of the ones taken, among everyone out there.

As she began calming down, Cass seemed to almost be smiling. “How dare she go and take our secrets to the grave like that, and without sharing any big ones of her own!” 

Her attempt at a joke got half a smile out of me, and I offered my own. “Oh, you didn’t know? She had twelve toes. And those toes had super strength.” It was a terrible attempt at humor, but it immediately made me felt a little better. 

“I mean yeah, there were her toes, but I meant _big_ stuff. Like how she secretly hated _Coco_.” An actual smile formed on Cass’ face as I acted appalled at her statement. 

“No, did she have no heart? Everyone loves _Coco_!” My bitterness had quickly faded away as the two of us made jokes about our lost friend, almost making light of our loss. It was almost enough to convince me that, maybe, things might turn out okay. 

We had to do our best, to keep moving forward for everyone we lost. We had to grow beyond the death and destruction forced on us, and mold ourselves into stronger people through it. There was the only path forward we could take.


	3. Remembrance

After the first week of school things formed into a sort of rhythm. People cried. Not a day went by where one person or another didn’t express their emotions. It didn’t matter if it was a teacher, other staff member, or student, someone was always mourning. Tears weren’t the only thing being let out, however. By the end of the first week there were sporadic bouts of laughter, people trying their best to be humorous in light of everything. It wasn’t much, but it was good to hear people at least trying to move forward.

The lessons were also fairly lenient, it seemed our teachers didn’t expect much from us. By Friday night I only had one page of homework, compared to half a dozen different assignments the year prior. Even that worksheet was just a five question multiple choice quiz. 

With my free time I made a habit of spending time chatting with Cass online. After our talk in the cafeteria we were a bit closer, and at school all we did outside of class was hang out together. We didn’t have a lot in common, but our shared experiences and stories of Sara had been more than enough to push us towards a sort of friendship. Dad seemed to approve of me actually having a friend again, and even offered to drive me to her house if I ever wanted to spend a weekend there. I wasn’t exactly willing to spend a huge amount of time at home away from him yet, so I turned down his offer. 

As more weeks passed in a blur the sounds of laughter and signs of joy started to echo across the school again. People were making fun of one another, playing games together, and sharing jokes. By the week of Halloween the sounds of sobs and heartbreak were almost a distant memory, with most of us more than capable of helping one another out of the dark pits of emotion we would each fall into. 

Halloween itself seemed to be mostly ignored in favor of Thanksgiving and the fast arriving winter holidays. Nobody in school mentioned trick or treating or costumes, even stores didn’t seem to be decorating for it. It made sense why, of course. Why celebrate a holiday that made a habit of scaring people and bringing up death when you can get people excited for togetherness and being thankful for what they had?

Dad and I spent Halloween hosting my aunt Meredith, who had come to visit us. She was spending most of her time traveling small towns and offering medical assistance for free, so her even being nearby was something of a lucky surprise. The dinner was nice, if filled with a little too much silence. Meredith did most of the talking while I nodded along and dutifully answered her questions about how I was doing in school. Dad, for his part, are in silence. It was hard not joining him in his sullenness, but I had to push forward. This might have been nothing compared to our old family dinners, but at least we still had a family.

“How’s Vicky?” I asked just after Meredith finished a rant about the medical necessity of a proper diet. I got to meet both of them over the summer, and Meredith had come by once again by herself, but I was starting to get worried. Almost Aunt Vicky had lost her entire family, sans us if we could count. I don’t know if I could have kept going without dad around, so I had no idea how Vicky was really coping.

As my question reached her ears Meredith sagged, her entire figure seeming to get smaller as she slouched. “She’s fine. Still dealing. We all are. She loved her parents more than anything. I keep her distracted when I can but it’s so, so hard. It was her mom’s birthday on Friday, so hopefully she’ll be recovered once it isn’t weighing on her.” Birthdays. I hadn’t even thought of that. The way everyone had been born in our family meant that we had a birthday every month from November to March. Or should have.

Tommy’s was first. As I looked to dad I realized why he seemed so much more distracted than usual. My brother would be seventeen in two weeks. Our parents had always called us early holiday gifts, with Tommy’s holiday being Thanksgiving. Now we had nothing for him, a rush of months of depressed feelings. First Tommy, then mom, Alex, me, and finally dad. From Thanksgiving to New Years we were going to be reminded of their loss, and then again in April. I was tempted to join dad in his pit of depression.

I was snapped out of my own thoughts as I felt a hand messing with my hair, and I looked up to see Meredith with a pained smile on her face. A forced smile. “Well kiddo I’ve got to head out. Have to pick up some groceries for next week.” She reached out and gave me a quick hug, before taking her plate to the sink and embracing my dad. I saw her whisper something in his ear, but I didn’t quite hear it. It didn’t matter, he’d tell me if it was important and ignore it if it wasn’t. 

\-----

We never had a funeral for everyone we lost. The chaos combined with the sheer number of deaths meant that there was no time to do it. A few families had funerals prepared, but for the most part it just wasn’t feasible. Too many resources wasted. As far as the universe was concerned half of our population simply no longer existed. There wasn’t a way to honor their memory without spending precious time and food.

As things stabilized more families took to having funerals for the lost, usually making one mass funeral for everyone in their family who died. Dad approached me with the idea to have a funeral for Tommy, Alex, and mom. Just us and a few friends who knew them from school and work. I agreed, and we had it planned for the day before Thanksgiving.

Tommy’s birthday was supposed to fall on the 20th of November, two days before this year’s Thanksgiving. We avoided even thinking about it. Dad talked about work and how stressful it was for himself and many of the trainees. I talked about school and Luis, who was making a habit of joining Cass and I at lunch once or twice a week. His crush on Cass was a little obvious, but she couldn’t see it. All she saw was a sometimes funny former football player. He was just another guy to her, and I didn’t think she cared at all about guys like that. 

We both went to bed just as the sun dipped below the horizon, and while the urge was there I refused to let myself reminisce about my brother. I needed to save my tears for the funeral, and all I would do alone in my bed was think about him and wail. Instead I sat in complete silence and growing darkness, doing anything I could to think about anything else.

When I woke up from my dreamless sleep I immediately felt a sense of dread. Today was the day we said goodbye. Nothing I did could prepare me for that. Yes we’d been without them for seven months, but not having someone in your life and recognizing their death felt completely different. Part of me, a portion shrinking every day, still held hope that I could wake up one morning and there they’d be, eating breakfast like nothing had happened.

Today would be different, though. Today dad and I were giving up hope on some miracle returning our families to us. Today we would mourn, laugh, and once again live our lives. Today we would begin making new memories with new families, starting with just the two of us. 

I wore the same suit I’d worn about a year earlier, at my papa’s funeral. Dad looked surprised when he saw me but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t intentionally dressing like I used to, I just didn’t have anything else appropriate to wear to a funeral. Hopefully that wouldn’t need to change for a few decades.

Since most churches were booked full for funerals we opted to have a minor ceremony at home. None of Alex’s friends ended up attending, but two of Tommy’s track teammates and mom’s old boss showed up. It was just the five of us, sharing stories and reminiscing about those we lost.  
Mom’s boss said so little I barely even remembered her name, but it was good to have her with us. Tommy’s friends liked to joke about him being the group pack mule thanks to him being one of the only guys with a car. We all joked about Tommy’s impeccable ability to be in the right place at the right time to get crashed into. Anytime someone was about to trip, or couldn’t see where they were going, it seemed like Tommy was always perfectly aligned to get hit by them. There had even been a time during a track meet where another runner passed out and collapsed right on top of him. 

I remembered him going to us in the stands afterwards and complaining the entire time about getting covered in someone else’s sweat. He didn’t care that he lost, only that he felt gross. His coach never let him live that down. 

Over time we ran out of stories about Tommy, and without others to share with it didn’t feel right to talk more about mom or Alex. At least it felt good to let out some of the emotions we’d been holding to our chests. For some time we sat in near silence, with only the distant sounds of the world outside filling the room. It seemed to extend on and on, until finally our three guests excused themselves one after another. 

As they left I almost felt relieved, like a slinky no longer forced to stay coiled. Barely a minute after they were out of the door I rushed to my room and changed into some plain pajamas I liked. Sure noon had only just passed, but I had doubts that we were going to do much for the rest of the day. For the most part I intended to do nothing but sit in the living room and lay on dad’s shoulder as he watched TV. It wasn’t anything close to comfy, but it brought a different sort of comfort.

Things began as planned. We ate a small lunch before moving on to our usual spots on the family couch, he turned on a news broadcast about different families planned to celebrate the holidays, and I relaxed as best I could. This went on for long enough that I had been getting actually sleepy when I heard dad say something. My tired brain wasn’t quite processing what he said, so I gave him a confused look.

“What, could Miss Sleepyhead not hear me? I asked if you remembered your brother’s fifth.” Dad made a quick joke at the expense at my obvious grogginess which got a huff from me. Once I understood his question, though, I spent a second thinking about it.

I knew he meant Alex, I wasn’t more than a few months old when Tommy turned five. “We were at the creepy rat place. Chucky’s or something.” I tried not to think too much about it. The mascot creeped me out.

Dad laughed at my description, and shook his head. “Chuck-e-Cheese’s. Come on, kiddo. You’ve been there three times, you’d think you’d remember it better by now. ‘Course you were an infant the first time. And spent the entirety of your birthday there hiding. Thought the third time would have left a better impression.”

I gave him a look filled with distaste. “It’s a big rat. Plus he looked so creepy, did you see those eyes? I never got why Alex cried when we left, that place was horrible.” Sure the place might have been fun, but I didn’t care that much about video games and stuff like the ball pit made me imagine Mr. Rat eating other kids. Sometimes I wondered if my parents making me read so much when I was little inspired an imagination that was a bit _too_ active. 

“Alex loved it, regardless. I was kind of glad he did, your mom and I were big fans of the place as kids. Tommy not caring and you being a little fraidy cat made us afraid that none of our kids would love our little childhood playland.” I had a hard time imagining dad or mom as kids, sliding down slides or shooting video game dinosaurs. I knew what they looked like as kids, I saw their pictures, but as I tried thinking of them all I could picture was their adult faces on kid bodies which was… unsettling.

“Tommy liked it, though.” I ended up saying after clamping down on any thoughts on dad and mom as kids. “He told me so. Got mad we left early on my birthday, wouldn’t talk to me for days.” I still remembered the noogie he gave me, all while talking about ‘making sure his little brother didn’t stay a wimp’. 

“Really? He seemed so dismissive of everything. He barely ate, barely talked to family. It felt like he spent the entire time avoiding us. We thought our little boy was just acting like a teenager a little too soon. Not to mention he loved you to death.” Dad’s genuine look of confusion got a laugh out of me, before I calmed myself down. How didn’t he get it?

When my laughter seemed to only confuse him more I opted to spell it out. “Dad, Tommy hated me until Alex was born. He wanted a baby brother he could teach to be ‘cool’ and like sports like him. When I spent all my time reading and getting y’all’s attention for it he hated it. I only know because I was the same way. Once Alex got old enough to play soccer it felt like everything focused on him. _That’s_ when Tommy and I bonded.” I smiled as I remembered the day Tommy came to me offering a ‘truce’. Having no idea what it meant I just said ‘sure’ and took his hand, just glad my older brother agreed that Alex was too focused on. 

“See this is where having just a twin sister is worthless. We never bonded, we just hated each other until she got a car. Then we hated each other more until I got a car. Then we bonded for the next three months we lived together.” His smile slowly faded the more he described things, and I realized things as a lot of pieces fit together.

“She came out, didn’t she?” I asked, my voice hollow. I never experienced things like that, never had to, but I knew the stories. Was terrified I might have become one of them. The fear proved empty, I had the best parents in the whole wide world, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been there.

He took a breath, seemed to think for a moment, and nodded. “It was our senior prom. She’d told me years ago that she liked girls, but I figured it was just something she’d get over. A little temptation from the Devil to see how strong your faith to God was. When she never got over it I stopped thinking of it as a temptation and more of a quirk of hers. I even helped her keep it secret from them, once or twice.” For a second a smile reached his eyes, but it seemed whatever he was thinking about was wearing him down. His eyes lost a little of that light with each passing second.

“May 2nd, 1994. She told mom and dad. Mom slapped her for telling them, dad clocked me for not telling them. We left together, that day. Moved in with a mutual friend. Finished high school, she stayed in San Jose and went to med school. I moved here, got a stable job early, and met your mom. Never spoke to mom or dad again.” No wonder I never knew dad’s family. His parents were horrible. I felt awash with shame as I remembered how utterly terrified I was of this man, this sweet and loving father I’d been blessed with. 

I hugged him as tightly as possible, doing everything I could to push down my tears and not let him see my shame. I didn’t deserve him, in no universe did I have the right to such a loving father. I felt his hand softly rub my back, little by little pushing away my insecurities. “It’s okay, hon. I’ll always love you, no matter what.” As his words reached me the tears could no longer be held back, and I began crying in full force.

At some point I must have fallen asleep, and woke to beautiful moonlight filling my room. The shades were up and the curtains pulled apart, giving me a perfect view of the full moon. It was a stunning sight, one that felt almost more powerful than it had even the month before. I knew it wasn’t any brighter or more beautiful, it couldn’t be, but it felt like the world, just for tonight, was a little less grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who haven't had the amazing childhood experience that is Chuck-e-Cheese's, here's a neat picture of my childhood nightmare:  
> https://radioimg.s3.amazonaws.com/kitsfm/styles/delta__775x515/s3/sipa_20892019.jpg?itok=-d7DlR0b


	4. Family

Following the vacation on Thanksgiving week our teachers gave us an even lighter workload than usual. In algebra we ‘reviewed’ things we had known for weeks, in english we spent most of the time watching an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet in modern day, and in general sciences we watched some videos by Bill Nye. History was the only class in which we did much, and even that was nothing more than a quick review and test on the Texas War for Independence. 

Luis had opted to join Cass and I at lunch more often, despite the obvious reservations from Cass. I didn’t understand why she was against him joining us, and she never really felt like elaborating. She didn’t seem to know about his crush yet, and otherwise all three of us seemed to click just fine. It felt weird to want to exclude him, and I couldn’t figure out what her reasons were. 

She seemed to warm up a little to his extended presence as days went on, though it still felt to me like she was acting a little chilly. She didn’t laugh as hard at his jokes, and would sometimes zone out if he talked. I doubted it was intentional, but it seemed like she was acting as if his presence just wasn’t important to her. 

Despite that, Luis still sat with us every day up until Christmas break. He never let Cass’s aloof behavior get him down, and always seemed to be full of exciting energy and stories. I quickly learned that he was one of the few lucky people with no dead immediate family members. He spent time playing soccer and football with his brothers whenever he could, and had a hard time just sitting still in silence. Out of everyone in the school it seemed he and Lucas were the two people least affected by what happened. It was a little inspirational to see Luis still standing tall, not letting this catastrophe change him.

“It feels wrong to give up, y’know?” Luis was explaining to Cass and I during our final lunch before the break started. Cass had asked him why he was so optimistic and positive. They had both been in the cafeteria and watched friends die, for Luis ⅔ of his team had been taken. It must have felt odd to her that he barely seemed to change at all.“If I surrender and let everyone dying get to me, then they died for nothing. Gramps, Joseph, Christian, and all the other guys had to die for a reason. There’s gotta be a reason we were picked. So I’m going to do my best for everyone, and be the best for the people who didn’t make it.” 

Cass seemed irritated with his answer, and I knew from experience to keep my mouth shut. This was between her and him. “There isn’t a reason all of us are alive, that’s stupid. I lost both of my parents, Laurie lost everyone but her dad and aunt. The reason we weren’t picked too isn’t some heavenly word on who should live or die, it was dumb luck. If it was God our God’s evil, because no mom should lose a baby just born. No child should have to go on without her mom and dad.” Cass was shaking as she spoke, from her voice it sounded like she was near to tears. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but I was frozen in my seat.

Luis seemed paralyzed by her response for a moment, before looking away from her in what seemed to be shame. “I’m sorry.” He muttered it so quietly that I’d barely heard him. 

“It’s fine.” Cass threw back immediately, her tone giving the impression that things were anything but fine. As moments passed her body seemed to stabilize and she seemed further from tears, but it was still obvious that this line of discussion was incredibly hard on her. I understood, I didn’t think I could have kept myself any more calm by discussing it. Even just listening to them placed mom’s face prominently at the forefront of my mind. 

Lunch, as well as the remainder of school, went on with an awkward air between the three of us. As we passed one another in the halls we said nothing to each other, nor did I receive any messages from either of them throughout the day. We still weren’t speaking to one another even as we left school and headed home under the dark winter sky. Dad, for his part, tried cheering me up through some of his dumb jokes. I just gave him half hearted smiles every time he made one. 

Our mutual silence stayed in effect until the morning of Christmas Eve, when Luis sent our group chat a picture of an adorable kitten. It had a solid grey coat, stubby tail, and it looked like it was missing a front leg. Under the image he wrote: ‘Look who we found outside!’ 

I immediately offered a response of a bunch of hearts, and asked what its name was. He responded with ‘Carrot’ and I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not. I threw a bunch of question marks his way as Cass made her own response.

‘You’re not naming it Carrot. We're coming over.’ Cass seemed entirely serious through the text, but I knew she had to be joking around. Text just didn’t convey her sarcasm well. Luis and I both sent ‘lol’ in response, and the conversation died down. 

About ten minutes later I heard an aggressive knock at the front door, followed by the sound of my dad speaking to some woman. As I wrote it off and and began focusing on dad’s tv show I heard him call for me. I sighed and got up, wondering what it was.

And of course Cass was standing next to her aunt in the doorway. My shocked expression must have given something away, because her aunt turned to Cass with an disappointed look. “You said you told her you were coming.” 

“I did! She saw the message!” Cass protested as she pulled up her phone. 

I quickly stopped her and nodded, not even sure how Cass thought ‘lol’ meant ‘pick me up.’ “Sorry I forgot to mention it, I didn’t realize she’d be here so soon.” I half lied to dad as I spoke, not wanting to get Cass in trouble with her aunt. 

Dad nodded after looking at me with a worried expression on his face. “Send me the address and I’ll pick you up at seven. Be safe, and don’t get too tired. It’s still Christmas Eve, I’ve got dinner cooking.” He waved goodbye to us as we entered Cass’s aunt’s car, which was pristine. The woman herself had always come across as professional and perfect to me, but the amount of care she must have put in her car was impressive. I found myself doing everything in my power to avoid getting the interior dirty, while Cass threw herself onto the seat in front of me with reckless abandon.

“So Lauren,” Cass’s aunt began speaking just after we left my street, with a voice that made me want to shut up and listen to her immediately. “It’s good to finally meet you. Cassandra talks about you constantly, and usually what she says is good.” The way she annunciated usually made me squirm in my seat, and I could’ve sworn I saw her grin through the rear view mirror.

“Uh, usually, ma’am?” I reverted to a professional and courteous way of speaking, like I used to if I ever spoke to adults at church. It had been nearly a year since then, but I still remembered how to be quiet and show respect for authority.

I only received silence as a response, and saw her staring at me through the mirror. Her eyes held intense pressure, making me want to hide under the biggest rock I could find. After a moment Cass shouted “Flora!” and she swerved to get away from a ditch we were nearly driven into. As we recovered her aunt, whose name I assumed was Flora, began cackling like a maniac. 

As our driver took her time calming down Cass turned around in her seat to give me a sympathetic look. It made me wonder if Ms. Flora was always this unique.

My answer arrived shortly after, once Ms. Flora was done laughing. “Sorry kiddo, I just haven’t had a chance to mess with Cassie’s friends yet. She’s always been so uptight about me not meeting either of you, but I don’t see why. I think I’m pretty funny.” Her tone seemed to have changed completely, and she was talking to me way more casually than she had just a moment ago. My worries quickly faded as this playful woman made jokes a little reminiscent of my dad.

The remainder of the ride to Luis’s house was uneventful. Ms. Flora failed to drive us into a ditch in spite of what had to be her best efforts. She was a terrifying driver, and it surprised me that Cass was still alive.

As soon as we arrived I wondered how rich Luis was. Their house looked massive from the outside, with a lawn large enough to have its own pond. Their sidewalk was a bunch of smaller stones leading the way to the front porch. On top of everything else, the lawn was perfectly trimmed and green despite the season. They had to be spending an extraordinary amount of money just keeping the front of the building taken care of year round.

As Cass and I followed the stone path to the front door she seemed far more confident than I. Where I anxiously took each step forward Cass was rushing across the lawn, only stopping to wait for me. Before I made it off the lawn Cass was ringing the doorbell, and I heard her yell “Police! Open up!” It would’ve sounded a tiny bit more threatening from a deeper voice.

I made it to the front door just as a man who looked about my dad’s age partially opened the door, his face lighting up as he saw Cass. He rushed outside and pulled her into the air in a hug, yelling “Little Cassie! You came to visit!” Cass didn’t even look shocked as she was put back down. That unfortunately didn’t make this less confusing.

“Lauren, this is my uncle Sergio. Uncle Sergio, this is Lauren from school.” As Cass managed introductions I felt befuddled. If this was Luis’s father didn’t that make him and Cass cousins? That made hardly any sense to me, they hardly interacted like cousins. Not to mention Luis’s obvious crush on Cass, which was more than a little weird if they were family.  
I immediately sought an explanation. “Wait, uncle? So you and Luis are related?” My face gave the same impression of utter confusion that my voice did, the more I thought about the topic the more off things felt.

“Uh, yeah. My mom was Uncle Sergio’s sister.” Cass seemed awkward as she explained, like it was almost embarrassing. Did she not expect this to come up when she invited (well, forced) me to come with her? Regardless, this did nothing to fix my confusion. Luis had an obvious crush on Cass, he spent every second with us. Cass seemed to want to avoid him, too, which didn’t make sense. Why would anyone want to avoid family, especially after we all lost so much?

“She likes to pretend we aren’t related, but it’s true. You didn’t notice with how similar we look?” Sergio laughed at his joke while I took the time to really look them over. Cass’s red hair and pale skin made me think she was Irish, she certainly didn’t give any impression that one of her parents was from El Salvador (I only knew where they were from because Luis didn’t shut up about himself or his family.). 

I must have taken the wind out of his sails by not laughing, as his laughs slowly became awkward chuckles. Cass was generous enough to help neither of us out of the increasingly awkward situation, so the three of us ended up standing there in silence for a few moments. Our salvation came from some woman yelling from within the house. Cass pulled me into the house by the hand and rapidly rushed me to some side room while I saw Sergio head towards whoever was yelling. 

As we rushed I didn’t get the best idea of how the entire house looked, but the entry room and hall we entered alone were massive. The entryway was connected to a vast staircase that looked almost designed to intimidate newcomers. There were a variety of decorations along the walls, most of which were Christmas themed, and a fully decorated Christmas tree that must have been at least twelve feet tall. For a moment I wondered how they managed to get what must have been hundreds of ornaments on the tree, before remembering that ladders existed. 

The room Cass rushed me into was comparatively much smaller and more barren. All it contained was a queen sized bed covered in red sheets, a closet with a door that doubled as a massive mirror, and a nightstand. Beyond the red comforter it was entirely plain. Even the walls were just an unblemished white.

While we stood in this guestroom I threw a suspicious look to Cass, and prepared to open my mouth to ask a question when she started speaking instead. She seemed a little hesitant, but moved forward with what she had to say anyway. “Sorry to pull you like that. Just warning you that my aunt, her name is Rose by the way, and I don’t get along great. I try to avoid her if I come here. I’ll text Luis and he’ll meet us in his room, it’s just down the hall. Then we can fix this messed up name situation. Seriously, what kind of idiot names their pet Carrot? It doesn’t even have orange fur!” 

I smiled as Cass’s awkward explanation of familial relationships devolved into a rant about Luis, glad whatever awkwardness that developed at school had completely faded. However, her little rant did remind me to get onto her. “On that note, tell me when you’re going to show up at my house! I didn’t even know you knew my address, let alone that you were serious.” I wasn’t actually upset, in reality I was beyond excited to get to enjoy the company of an adorable little kitten, but Cass couldn’t do that again. 

“Sorry, I thought you’d figured I was serious.” Her tone and her eyes being focused on her phone gave the impression that she wasn’t actually all that sorry, but I didn’t care. As long as it didn’t happen again I was happy. I loved spending time hanging out with Cass, but I wanted to spend more of my limited at home time with my dad when possible.

Luis, the fantastic host that he was, took twenty minutes to fish us out of the guest room. I wanted to leave earlier, but Cass would refuse to risk seeing her aunt and I didn’t want to just barge into every room until I hopefully found a kitten. Cass playfully shoved him out of the way as he opened the door, while I offered a nervous half wave. Immediately he offered apologies, but Cass interrupted him with the word ‘cat’ every time he began speaking. 

Silently in order not to continue provoking Cass, Luis led us to his room. It was a quick trip, we only had to pass two other rooms to get there. In hindsight I felt a bit foolish for not trying the hall in spite of Cass’s refusal to leave, especially since our target was so close, but it felt nice just being in her company. 

As Luis opened the door to his room I saw the decorations and gave him a confused look. Everything about his room screamed a completely different person than the boy before me, and for a moment I wondered if I maybe wasn’t alone in the school. 

As Luis glanced at me he seemed to get defensive, and almost sounded whiny as he explained himself. “What? I like purple, okay? It can be manly.” He was right, and of course the more I thought about it the less it made sense for him to be like me. He was too outgoing and masculine to be like me, though my sample size of one wasn’t exactly extensive. And if he was my opposite he wouldn’t have been allowed to play sports. No, he was just a normal boy who liked purple.

The rest of the room was nothing but brown furniture and more purple sheets on his bed. His laptop sat closed on his desk, right beside a small box that had to contain a kitten. While I managed to battle the urge to scramble for the adorable creature inside Cass jumped for it. She bounded across the room in the direction of the box, and an instant later a look of disappointment seemed to be etched across her face. “Where’s the cat?” She asked immediately, her voice filled with a rapidly growing anger.

Luis offered a smug smile in response. “You can’t see her until you agree to call her Carrot.” His face suddenly seemed much more punchable in that moment, and I was wondering how Cass hadn’t done it yet.

“You’re terrible.” Cass spat with bile in her throat. I didn’t say anything, but I was more than a little frustrated by his blackmail. Here I was, practically kidnapped with the only reasons for my showing up being friends and a kitten, and now half of my reasons were being held against me. I supported Cass subtly by sending an annoyed pout in Luis’s direction.

It seemed Cass’s anger and my disappointment did nothing to change his mind, as Luis still gave us that smug, annoying smile. “Just call her Carrot. She likes the name, so you might as well go with it.” This led to Cass opting to pace around his room without admitting defeat, and me sitting in sullen silence. I was happy to call her Carrot if it meant we had a chance to pet her, but Cass wouldn’t budge.

We ended up sitting like that for nearly an hour. Luis and I watched YouTube videos together while we waited for Cass to admit defeat, though she was still refusing even as we heard a woman’s voice echo across the halls: “Kids, lunch!” I only let out a relieved sigh as Luis led a still silent Cass and I to the dining room. As we walked I was able to glance at the rest of the house, and outside of the entry room it felt a little sparse. Their dining room had a nice table and rug, but it wasn’t grand or extravagant like I’d been expecting it to be. 

Even Luis’s mom, who Cass implied was an awful person, seemed to be welcoming. She looked relaxed as she prepared the table, and even waved at us as we walked in. “Oh, Cassandra! It’s good to see you again. Who’s that with you?” For a moment I thought I saw her eyes turn sharp and critical as she examined me, but the look left her face so quickly I was sure I must have imagined it.

Luis spoke before I could introduce myself, though I wasn’t about to complain. I still felt hesitant about talking to her. “This is Lauren. The girl Cass and I hang out with at school.” He seemed awkward as he explained our relationship like that, though really that was all it was. This was the first time we spent more than an hour together outside of school.

“Oh, you’re Lauren! Well it’s good to finally meet you. I’m Rose, and that’s all you’re allowed to call me.” I took her hand as she offered it, and weakly shook it. She had a warm smile present on her face, but Cass’s tension and the look I thought I saw made me hesitant. 

Once we finished introductions Ms. Rose began gushing about Luis and his brothers as we all helped her set the table. Cass and I could barely get a word in edgewise without Luis’s mother once again talking about how smart or athletic her children were. Each time she asked us a question about ourselves it felt like she was only using our answers as an opportunity for her to speak more. 

This unfortunately didn’t end when the entire family was called to lunch. It was a simple lunch with just some sandwiches, a variety of toppings, meats, and cheeses we could choose from. There were some chips to the side as well, though I opted to ignore them. A sandwich or two would tide me over until I got home, and by then dad would turn me into a balloon with all the food he’d make me eat.

Our time together gave me an opportunity to meet Luis’s twin older brothers, neither of whom seemed as interested in us as they were in their food. They were both dressed in soccer uniforms and were covered in sweat. Within minutes they’d each eaten half a dozen sandwiches and were already out the door, presumably practicing more. I didn’t quite get why - it was the middle of winter, Texas or not - but I wasn't about to stop and talk to them. Even their names hadn’t registered to me. Tommy might have been friends with one of them, but I didn’t know or care to remember which one exactly.

As the rest of us slowly ate through our lunch Ms. Rose stopped talking long enough for Mr. Sergio to actually make conversation between bites. “So Lauren, where are you from? Luis told us you just came to the school this year.” My eyes widened for a moment as I was addressed with a question I had no idea how to answer. Why, exactly, did he care? Did he know? Oh god, was this just an elaborate prank? 

My mind raced with thoughts and a rapidly growing panic as I felt a hand on my shoulder and a soothing voice speak up beside me. “Thanos killed her mom and brothers, so it’s just her with her dad here.” I looked up, pulled back to reality by Cass’s artistic rendition of my cover story. I needed to remember to thank her later.

Mr. Sergio’s eyes grew wide as Cass explained, before nodding his head. “I understand. Our family was incredibly blessed compared to most. I terribly miss Renee, but I cannot imagine how much pain you must have had to go through to lose so many at once. You have my condolences.” I didn’t offer a response.

Lunch passed quickly enough, and my mood had been effectively ruined by my own panic. Mr. Sergio seemed to believe it was his own fault that I was so distant following his question, but it was my own mind that had caused me to so rapidly shut down. Dad and I had talked about how important it was that my secret remained a secret, in order to keep drama at school to a minimum. I especially didn’t want someone like Ms. Rose knowing if I could help it, I had every doubt that she could keep her mouth shut.

I had gotten unbelievably lucky in some regards - most just assumed Luke died with everyone else, if they even cared. It wasn’t like I’d ever made an impact with anyone outside of Sara when I wore that shell. If they asked, I just explained that my brothers died. Most made the assumption that Luke was one of them. Since talking about what happened was something most avoided it simply wasn’t brought up. Cass was the only one who knew as far as either of us could tell. At times I wanted to bring Luis into that fold, but it felt so good to just be normal.

I did feel guilt, of course. Some days I felt like I was intruding in the girl’s bathroom, like I didn’t have any remote right to be there. Even the frequent talks or conversations that might normally be considered for ‘girls only’ I felt like an invader in. I knew I was a girl, that how I was born shouldn’t have mattered, but it didn’t change my own brain’s attempt to hurt me. 

The rest of the day ended up passing in a blur. I texted dad and had him pick me up early enough that I never got to see Carrot. Cass and Luis both seemed upset by my lack of willingness to stay, but I couldn’t keep fighting my own thoughts and be reliable company. It was better for me to stick with someone much better prepared to handle me at my worst. I didn’t think dad deserved to deal with me at my worst, but I had nobody else. We could barely afford the therapist I was required to see to stay on treatment, and that was a monthly visit. 

I half heartedly said goodbye to everyone once dad had arrived, and ignored the sights I was previously intimidated by as I quickly walked to dad’s care. He didn’t say anything when he saw my face, instead opting to silently drive while I collected myself. 

In the end we said nothing between one another on our drive, a circumstance that was commonplace when my mind’s worst impulses got the better of me. I wanted to apologize for being like this, on Christmas Eve no less, but I couldn’t bring myself to let out the words. I already knew his response would be something like ‘you have no reason to say sorry’, which had good meaning but would do nothing to make me feel less terrible for being such a downer.

It took hours of silence for me to finally say something, and even then it wasn’t much. Once he finished bringing out our Christmas dinner, the first one without everyone else, I quietly told him “Thank you.” I didn’t say anything else. Everything felt dull to me, from the smell to the taste. I barely took in the food I was eating, acting solely on instinct. This didn’t improve as I looked around our dinner table and realized just how lonely the holidays were without most of the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit outside of my comfort zone - a lot more character interaction and a slow pace - so I hope it turned out well. Any comments, concerns, or advice would be appreciated.


	5. Maturity

Christmas began with little fanfare. Meredith and Vicky failed to show up before lunch, which left Dad and I alone to handle our few gifts for one another. I (through Meredith) bought him a t-shirt with his favorite (American) football team on it. Dad bought me some new clothes and a book by my favorite author. It was small, we had what might have been called a comfy holiday if we weren’t constantly reminded of what we lost.

That crushing feeling led to an abnormally silent day together, during which we did little more than eat small meals and watch old Christmas movies. I stuck closer than usual to him through the day, opting to rarely let him out of my sight. I knew he wouldn’t - couldn’t - vanish too, but having him close by did far more to help me avoid thinking about how alone we were.

It wasn’t until dinner that we heard a set of soft knocks at the front door. I opened it to find an exhausted looking Meredith and Vicky, who barely offered a wave before letting themselves in. Dad quickly set places for them as I followed behind. The dinner was nothing of much note - we had a tradition of eating Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner on Christmas Day - so the food was obviously reheated. It still tasted fine, of course, but it wasn’t going to be memorable at all.

I felt a little self conscious about wearing pajamas so late as we sat around the dinner table, though if Vicky or Meredith cared neither showed any sign of it.They seemed to be more focused on their own problems, even their greeting to us was half assed. Dad and I shared uncomfortable looks as they helped themselves in near silence. 

It took several minutes, by which time I had cleared off most of my plate, for anyone to actually make conversation. Dad cleared his throat after finishing off his own food, and I heard an uncomfortable nervousness as he spoke. “Mare, what’s going on?” 

Meredith looked to Vicky for a moment before what must have been intentionally ignoring my dad’s question. Her gaze hit me for a moment and I knew she was going to try and make an obvious attempt to change the subject. Before her mouth opened I figured she’d ask about something silly and pointless, and of course she proved me right. “So, Lauren, what’d you get for Christmas?” 

“Just some new clothes.” I immediately shut her line of discussion down. I respected Aunt Meredith and Vicky, but I wasn’t an idiot. Dad wanted to know what was going on, and whatever it was had obviously been affecting them. Meredith looked like she quickly threw on the nearest set of clothes she could find, and it didn’t remotely match. Vicky, for her part, seemed like she’d stopped halfway into straightening her hair. They were never insane perfectionists like Cass’s Aunt Flora, but from my limited interactions it seemed they wouldn’t just up and leave so unprepared. I was worried. Maybe not like my dad was, but I still wanted to make sure they were okay.

A raised eyebrow in her direction by dad seemed to break her resolve. Meredith sighed and pointed to me. As she spoke her voice seemed to seethe reluctance. “Not in front of her. Not until she’s older.” I thought - hoped, rather - that dad would support me, arguing that I was mature enough to handle whatever discussion needed to be brought up. 

As he nodded his head I knew those hopes were stupid. I began an attempt to argue, but he cut me before I could even get out a word. His tone so quickly shifted to authoritative that I barely recognized the voice as my father’s. “Go to your room, Lauren. We’ll talk later.” My eyes widened as he so effortlessly dismissed me, not even bothering to ask how I felt about it. He almost never acted like that, not after April.

I still wanted to argue, but I did as he said. I cleared off my table and set my dishes in the sink before heading to my room. I knew I shut the door behind me with too much force but I didn’t much care. If dad wanted to cut me out like I wasn’t mature enough to handle things then I wouldn’t act mature enough to handle things. 

I threw myself onto my bed and laid there in silence, dwelling in my rapidly growing pool of anger. Why didn’t he think I could handle it? I lived through so much since everything went to hell, how was it fair for him to pick and choose when I was old enough to handle things? Was mom’s death not enough to mature me for adult conversations? Was suffering in silence for a year not good enough? Was there some arbitrary cutoff for maturity and ability to comprehend topics that I hadn’t reached yet? 

I browsed my phone in silence until I eventually fell asleep over my covers. Whatever dream I had was interrupted soon after beginning by my dad’s hand on my shoulder, the words that left his mouth an incomprehensible jumble. I turned to face him, my once forgotten anger slowly overtaking my grogginess. 

By the time I was completely conscious I was glaring at him,too upset for words. I refused to meet his eyes or say a word to him.

He spoke first, his tone infuriatingly patient as the words left his mouth, “I know you don’t like us keeping secrets. You probably think we’re being pointlessly exclusive, and that you can handle it.” He quickly broke down my thought process,thought my line of thinking there was, admittedly, rather obvious. “I was a kid too, y’know. Hadn’t been through as much, but I was there. I thought I could handle whatever my family threw at me. Plus your mom and I dealt with Tommy doing the same thing, we were a little used to it.” 

When I didn’t offer anything to say anything he continued. “I’ll tell you when you’re a little older, okay? It’s not something I want you worrying about.” He gave me a hug I didn’t return before getting up and heading to the door. “I love you. Merry Christmas. Sweet dreams.” He left me to the silence once more as he quietly shut the door behind him. 

My phone went off with a ding as I received a notification from my group chat. Cass and Luis sat together around a coffee table, with a familiar grey kitten between. It was followed up with a short message from Cass: ‘Merry Christmas from Smeep!’

I barely smiled as I read their message. I thought through my assortment of confusing emotions that Cass must’ve won and gotten to name the kitten, before Luis’s response showed the opposite. ‘Her name is Carrot.’ 

I was glad they were having fun together, but seeing them together did nothing to limit my escalating feelings of isolation. I didn’t know what caused Cass to feel comfortable enough to spend another day with Luis and his mom, and part of my brain immediately took advantage of that new information to hurt me. I began feeling a sense of paranoia, a rising terror that now because there was no tension between them they wouldn’t waste their time with me. 

I knew those thoughts were wrong, they had to be. That didn’t stop me from staying terrified of losing them, of course. That fear stuck with me for the remainder of the night, clinging to the edges of my mind and keeping my sleep restless.


End file.
